Cinema Saturday: Zeiram

Cinema Saturday Presents: Zeiram

Alternant Titles: Zeiramu, Zeram

Run Time: 1 hr and 32 min
Year: 1991

Rating: not rated

Movie grade: B+

Principal cast:

Director/Writer…. Keita Amemiya

Yûko Moriyama/Edie Mirman(dub)…. Iria

Kunihiro Ida/ Steve Bulen (dub) ….Teppei

Yukijirô Hotaru/ Robert Axelrod (dub) …. Kamiya

Masakazu Handa/ Jeff Winkless (dub)…. Bob

Mizuho Yoshida…. Zeiramu

Synopsis: a bounty hunter team lands on earth in order to catch one of the most dangerous and vicious intergalactic villains, Zeriam.  However their plans go awry when a pair of electricians stumble into their base and find themselves trapped in a virtual world with the deadly Zeriam.

Spoiler free review:   If you like 90’s sci-fi action films then this film will not disappoint. This movie has it all lasers, bounty hunters, electricians in gaudy uniforms and an indestructible monster bent killing everything in sight.  This is the kind of stuff that made the 90’s so great.

Review:
    Bring a torch with you because were delving deep into the vaults today to bring one of the best alien movies to come out of Japan into the light.  Zeiram is a true gem among the Japanese action sci-fi genera; it has everything anyone could want from a movie of this caliber, indestructible monsters, sexy bounty hunters, snarky computers and a lovable but bumbling comedic duo.   Zeiram follows the story of two electrician’s Teppei and Kamiya, played by Kunihiro Ida and Yukijirô Hotaru respectively, who upon a routine inspection find themselves transported into a virtual zone where the bounty hunter Iria has trapped the dangerous Zeiram. Hi jinks ensue as our two reluctant heroes’ are chased all throughout the virtual zone by the lumbering Zeriam.  The plot itself is basically what you would expect but that in no way dampens the enjoyment level of watching this movie.

   The performances of the cast are immensely enjoyable; they are just over the top enough to be entertaining but serious enough to be believable which fits the style of Zeiram very nicely.  Even the English dub deserves some praise for being a fun and pleasurable experience that not only does a rather decent job of distracting from awkward lip movements but manages to keep a lot dialogue close to its original source material; I would even argue that I prefer Bob’s dubbed voice to his Japanese one.   Whether it’s dubbed or in Japanese Zeiram never takes itself too seriously but doesn’t let its self get too silly either.  The pacing of the film is pretty well set with the slowest part of the movie being right after the opening credits as we get acquainted with our cast, which is still peppered with an assortment of amusing antics for the viewer to enjoy.   The actors themselves are a lot of fun to watch and for this being most of the casts first film they do a very good job, especially for Yûko Moriyama who truly creates a likable and relatable character in Iria, and a personal favorite of mine from Shusuke Kaneko’s Gamera trilogy Yukijirô Hotaru who steals the show away from his younger co star a little too easily.

   Truthfully all the actors are very entertaining in their respective roles but I always like to make a special shout out to the suite actors who are often the unsung heroes of these old monster movies and Mizuho Yoshida certainly knows his stuff as his performance as Zeriam  is very believable for a creature with no facial expressions Yoshida manages to convey a lot of personality and menace through simple body gestures and little help from some fantastic visual and audio effects.  It does help that the visuals of Zeriam are a real pleasure to look at and show an almost zealous amount of detail to the craft.

   All of Zeriam’s forms and Iria’s weapons are unique and fantastic from Zeriam’s secondary Oni head to Iria’s crazy laser bazooka.  Even Bob her computer partner has a fun a unique avatar that lets it expresses itself.  I really can’t praise the visuals enough as very few lower budget Japanese movies look this good. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the amazing score the film has; from the incredible synthesizer opening to the haunting Gregorian like chant that serves as Zeriam’s personal theme all of it being an incredible auditory treat.    Zeriam is one of those movies that seem to embody everything that was great about the late 80’s and early 90’s  it’s that weird movie you stayed up really late on a Saturday night to watch on some late night marathon and you never forget.  Any fan of cult cinema should absolutely give Zeriam a try.

Fast facts:

. Zeriam managed to produce an anime OVA and movie sequel

. Actor is also well known for his character in the Gamera trilogy

. Director also directed two season of Super Sentai entitled Zyuranger and Jetman

. during one night of shooting oil was used to help thicken the fog on set but since they had been shooting in a residential area some of the oil clung to drying cloths of several residents.

                                      

*Quotes:

Opening Line: “Keep the change maybe you can buy yourself a car” -Kamiya

Ending line: "Big Smile!" -Bob


Kamiya: “It’s Sunday and I don’t feel like going to work and this gorgeous babe walks by, I notice she drops something so I went after her like a gentlemen.”

Teppei: “What she do? Scream?”

Bob: *Rambles on about the mission*

Iria: Bob will you please shut up! If you don’t, I will be forced to infect you with a virus.

Bob: let’s not get carried away; after all were all friends’ right?

Kamiya: looks like a movie set; these filmmakers are always stealing from us.

Teppei: “(it’s) some kind of alien. when I asked for directions it tried to shoot me.”

Score: take a listen to a small clip of the awesome opening theme.

Mini Commentary:

. GAHH! This movie just started and it’s already insisting that I never sleep again. – (:59)

. Massive carnage, head impalement's and creepy monster this movie is going to be great!- (1:00)

. I’m not usually a big fashion critic, but what in the seven galaxies are they wearing? -(3:15) (17:20)

. that’s a clever segway and a wicked cool intro theme.-(13:36)

. wow, space people really are advanced, she’s already got the new PlayStation VR system.- (32.52)

. And I thought the last one was ugly. What did Zeiram eat that had fetus faces all over it? That’s seriously messed up and potentially disturbing that a multi baby faced aliens are running around the cosmos.- (40:00)

. Rummaging through a lady’s purse? Not cool man, she might be really sensitive about you seeing what types of grenades she uses.- (42.11)

. I’m guessing this is how the Japanese salary man feels when dealing with their difficult boss- (56.40)

. And Now You Know:  In Japanese superstition if you sneeze for no reason it means someone not near you is talking about . You and if you sneeze twice they are talking poorly about you.  For the sake of the joke most artists correlate just one sneeze with both good and bad gossip.- (58:50)

.Painfully Obvious Product Placement for: kirin beer- (1:04:30)

.That got him… oh, Well, not quite got him.- (1:13:49)

.There we go now he’s out for the coun…. What’s it take to kill this thing!- (1:21:00)

.Wait, Are those monster boobs? Japanese are weird.- (1:23:00)

.Boom! Head shot! About time!-  (1:29:20)

. ha ha ha we should take care of all are alien  monsters this way.

* all dialogue is from the English dub version of the film. 

Cinema Saturday : Forbidden Kingdom

Cinema Saturday Presents: the Forbidden Kingdom

Run Time: 104 minutes

Year: 2008

Rating: PG-13

Movie Grade: A-

Principle Cast:

Director: Rob Minkoff

Writer:  John Fusco

Jet Li: The Monkey King / The Silent Monk

Michael Angarano: Jason Tripitikas

Jackie Chan: Lu Yan / Old Hop

Liu Yifei: Golden Sparrow

Collin Chou: The Jade Warlord

Li Bingbing: Ni-Chang, the White-Haired Witch/Assassin

Synopsis:   Jason Tripitikas is a young urban white boy who idolizes the art of kung fu but lacks any martial arts ability himself. Jason spends his day’s day dreaming of being a martial arts master as he peruses Old Hops pawn shop for more Chinese bootleg of kung fu movies.   It comes as no surprise when young Jason is pressured by a group of gang bangers, who never got the memo that the fifties greaser is no longer a thing, to help them break into Old Hops home.  Things go wrong of course and the old shopkeeper is shot but with his last bit of strength Old Hop tells Jason that must take his prized possession, the staff of the monkey king, and begin a journey he will never forget in order to return the staff to its proper owner. Jason agrees and finds himself magically transported to a world that resembles ancient china but under the control of the ruthless Jade Warlord who will stop at nothing to make sure the staff never reaches its destination.

Spoiler free review: the movie is a fun love letter to the kung fu movie genera but it’s not exactly anything original. If you like Jackie Chan, Jet Li or just kung fu movies in general then you should absolutely give this movie a try.  If you have only a passing interest in the genera the movie is still worth a check out for it fun fantasy romp and entertaining storyline.

Review:   Kung fu movies by definition tend to be heavy on action light on story so it should come as no surprise when I say that the story of The Forbidden Kingdom is not the main reason you should be popping this film into your blu-ray player. This is not to say that the story is awful just cliché, but we will get to that in a minute. The real reason you should go watch The Forbidden Kingdom is because it stars both Jackie Chan and Jet LI, together, in the same movie.  If that’s not enough to get you to go out and rent this movie then just stop here because there’s nothing I can do to convince you that this movie is worth your time if that double billing doesn’t wet your appetite. But if having the two greatest living martial artist legends in a single film is not enough for you then maybe I should mention that they fight. Yes Jackie Chan and Jet Li kick the living daylights out each other for possession of the magic stick that once belonged to a smelly monkey man.  Aright, Alright it’s obvious you actually want me to do work and review this ridicules movie. 

The best way to sum up The Forbidden Kingdom is to call it silly and fun, a modern fable for the new generation.   Fable is honestly the best word I can think of when talking about The Forbidden Kingdom, the movie paces forward much like a fairytale with elements that are very childish and cliché while at the same time having flowery dialogue and a deeper more overarching message about the true meaning of kung fu.   That is how one needs to enter into The Forbidden Kingdom like they are walking into those old fantasy stories of their youth to gain the proper appreciation of the story.    

The acting in the movie is hit and miss but seeing as several of the actors were Chinese natives and only knew English as a second language I can cut them a bit of slack.  Obviously both Jackie Chan and Jet Li steal the show as they each play dual roles and put extra effort into making sure that their first clash was an epic one.   Collin Chou and Li Bingbing was also gave fun performances as the Jade Emperor and the white witch respectively. Michael Angarano does a great Shia Labeouf impression; seriously, you would think that Hollywood has a secret underground cloning facility, and the less said about Liu Yifei’s performance as Golden Sparrow the better.

What really sells me on Forbidden Kingdom is that despite how cliché and corny much of the film is I am never once bored.  The sets are absolutely breathtaking, both Jackie and Jet are in rare form as they both push their limits in both there acting and there fighting.    The truth is that for all its’ silliness and cliche antics it’s actually one of the more mature Martial artist movies.  Many kung fu movies are merely entertaining only for there fighting and the underfed outline that passes as a plot usually fails to be anything worth paying attention to.  Forbidden Kingdom however makes sure that its story always stays in focus despite the random fights that continuously break out. The Forbidden Kingdom is an excellent piece of Kung Fu cinema and has something for everyone so if you’re interested in martial arts this one is worth a look.

Fun facts

. While loosely based on the story “Journey to the West" The original concept for the movies script was born out of an original fable the writer would tell his son before bed.

.  During the back-story of Golden sparrow the village that is burning was actually set on fire for the take.

. During the village burning Colin chow’s horse despite having done numerous takes and having two handlers dressed as soldiers next to him, ended up spooked by the flames and refused to face the camera.

. The film attempts to use the word Gung-Fu which is the proper pronunciation of the anglicanized Kung fu but actor Jackie Chan was so used to saying Kung Fu that he had difficult time saying the correct pronunciation.

. The character of Jason Tripitikas was originally going to be changed to an Asian character but both Jackie Chan and jet Li insisted that the character needed to be white in order to demonstrate that kung fu is for everyone not just the Chinese.

Quotes:

Opening line:  Jason: What’s goin on, Hop? 

Ending line Jackie Chan narrator: “And so the legend is told, that the Monkey King began his journey west in search of truth while the traveler returned to his world to walk the path of the worrier and find his own truth.  As one tale ends so another begins.”

.Golden Sparrow: She should have killed you, witch!

Ni Chang: Not if I kill you first, orphan b****!

.Old hop: leopard style dragon style fly through air, fight on water, Crouching tiger spanking monkey.  I know you, another white boy who wants to know kung-fu.

.Lu Yan:  Praying Mantis. Very good…for catching bugs. But not tiger!

Mini Commentary:

. Have to admit sharing the J is a clever way of equalizing the byline between Jackie and jet   (1:17)

. the movie playing on Jason’s TV is  called  Monkey Goes West (1966) (2:39)

. this has to be one of the single coolest opening credit sequences I’ve ever seen. (2:50)

. So the kid that dreams of being a master fighter is bullied on a daily basis? You hear that? all board 

 the the cliche train!  Tropes and plot contrivances welcome!  (7:38)

.Did he just say loser cruiser? (7:42)

.I just can get over that his name is lupo.  I mean who names there kid that? (10:51)

. That’s putting it mildly but regardless jet Li’s performance as this crazy monkey person is fantastic. (18:31)

.Golden sparrow this movie is filled with odd names …and I’m ok with that. (28:19)

. Painfully obvious Product placement: for Virtual Fighter 2 (32:06)

. The moment you have all been waiting for…wait it’s over a half hour into the film and were just now putting these two together? That’s just criminal.   (37:31)

. That was a heck of a shot even by fantasy Kung Fu standards (1:05:00)

. I do like that it took three people to finally defeat the witch helping keep up her threat level as an 

enforcer. (1:25:00)

Cinema Saturday The Swarm

Cinema Saturdays Presents : The Swarm

Run Time: 2:35:05

Rating: PG
Movie Grade: B

Principle Cast:

Director: Irwin Allen

Michael Caine….. Brad Crane

Katharine Ross…Captain Helena Anderson

Richard Widmark….General Slater

Richard Chamberlain…. Dr. Hubbard

Synopsis: A mysterious incident leaves an entire army base dead with no explanation.  Enter Brad Crane a renowned entomologist who explains that the culprits are none other than a massive swarm of African killer bees that could result in the complete eradication of mankind.  It’s a race against time as humanity must find a way to destroy these bees or be destroyed themselves, the war of the insects has begun and man will be the first casualty. 

Spoiler free review: If you’re looking for a good cheesy animal on the loose killer bee movie then this is one of the best, if you’re looking for a classic cinematic disaster film like the towering inferno then it’s probably best to look elsewhere.

Review:

The Swarm is often hailed as being one of the worst movies of all time even earning a spot on the raspberries top 100 worst films.  However I argue that The Swarm’s quality as a film is purely a matter of perspective.  It’s true that the film has flaws; it’s also true that the group of movie critics that went to see The Swarm expecting it to be the same masterpiece of disaster drama that was the Poseidon adventure or the Towering Inferno were rather disappointed, but that doesn’t necessarily warrant such harsh criticism of an otherwise excellent killer bee movie.  I came into this movie as cold as you can go into a film with no knowledge of casting or history making my experience as unbiased as I can make it and I can say without hesitation I was thoroughly entertained solidifying  The Swarm as my new favorite killer bee movie.

 I think The Swarm’s strength lies in the fact that I was expecting another B movie schlock film with a standard slasher movie kill count where you find that every seen without someone being attacked by the monster pure agony.   What I got instead was a movie that generally cared about what it was doing and made a commendable attempt to make a movie about killer bees something that could appeal to the larger mainstream audience, and it probably would have succeeded too if it wasn’t for some poor directorial choices .  One of these poor choices is that the film suffers from an alarmingly large number of odd scene cuts and transitions where it leaves the viewer baffled about how the current scene came to play or why we just jumped somewhere else.  There are also a large handful of plot hiccups where characters and storylines are simply dropped or quickly disposed of not to mention a big helping of too stupid to live moments, but these are excepted and honestly not nearly as bad as some other films I’ve sat through. The most common critique of the movie receives is usually  directed towards the hammy acting and cheesy dialogue which in my opinion wasn’t a flaw at all but a boon that made the movie much more enjoyable and easy to sit through.

Despite all the films shortcomings there is a great deal of positive material that gets over looked.  For one thing even though this film was merely a paycheck film for Michael Caine he still brought his incredible professionalism and talent to the screen making him an excellent character to follow on this crazy journey. The pure scope of the film was also incredibly impressive to me It’s not often that one gets to see a killer animal movie with such high stakes, where those stakes are truly felt and not just assumed.  I would also be remiss in not pointing out that the bees were handled fantastically  we saw plenty of bee on human carnage without it looking like  a bunch of actors waving their hands in front of a green screen.  Even the global effects of the bees were well played out showing how much damage could be done if we don't to rid ourselves of these menaces, sure there are a lot of silly  moments but that's half the fun. I for one recommend The Swarm for anyone who is looking for a fun animal on the loose feature that also dares to try be something bigger and bolder then just a killer bee movie.

Fast Facts:

.During Production the actors would often find yellow dots on their clothing after working with the bees. Actor Michael Caine confessed to eating some of the yellow dots thinking it was honey only to find out later it was in fact bee feces.

. In order to get better shots of the bees and for the safety of the actors 800,000 bees had there stingers removed to make them easier to shoot.

.French Horns were used in the film score in order to make a soundtrack that sounded like bees humming.

. There are two different versions of this movie a 116 minute theatrical version and 155 minute extended version.

. the extended version dose not add much to the film merely drawing out a few scenes and adding a little more context to others. there are few scenes extended and there's a bit more of an ending but otherwise its still the same movie.

Favorite quotes:

-Brad Crane: “We've been fighting a losing battle against the insects for fifteen years, but I never thought I'd see the final face-off in my lifetime. And I never dreamed that it would turn out to be the bees. They've always been our friend.”

-Brad Crane: “Are you endowing these bees with human motives? Like saving their fellow bees from captivity, or seeking revenge on Mankind?”

General Slater: “I always credit my enemy, no matter what he may be, with equal intelligence.”

-Dr. Andrews: “Billions of dollars have been spent to make these nuclear plants safe. Fail-safe! The odds against anything going wrong are astronomical, Doctor!”

Dr. Hubbard: “I appreciate that, Doctor. But let me ask you. In all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?”

-General Slater: “Houston on fire. Will history blame me, or the bees?”

Observations:

.the music in this movie is so awesome!

. Yeah well a lot of other people died in the incident too! You don’t see their loved ones threatening to… oh were just going to let him in? Well that’s cool too I guess.

. The bees are our friends? What do we have like treaty with the high queen of bees that states we will negotiate in trade and labor deals?

. Forget the nuclear option African killer bees are a far more effective weapon of mass destruction capable of derailing trains and blowing up nuclear power plants. We should just sign them all up right now.

. anyone else slightly uncomfortable  every time someone talks about wiping out the Africans?

.Children are idiots: for throwing Molotov cocktails at a swarm of killer bees.

.wait, why is he hallucinating a giant bee? Since when does bee venom do that?

.Those end credits just made my entire day.

Cinema Saturday announcment

Greetings readers I’m here to announce a new blog series that I will be doing known as Cinema Saturdays where I will be bringing reviews of different movies of years past every month. I’ll be mostly be focusing on lesser known cult movies but a few big titles and mainstream movies might make their way in from time to time.

I also want to take time to introduce my new Cinema Saturday grading system. I abhor having to use a star or numerical rating system since  I believe art is far more complicated than giving something 5 out of 5 stars but when reviewing one does need an easy reference system to help clarify what the general premise of the film is like.  so instead of trying to juggle with those messy numerical and star value systems  I’ve decided to make my own film grades. This post will act as a key for my new rating system that I will be using to help you get an idea of the quality of each film I review.

A+: these films are the cream of the crop. these are not only good movies but legendary feats of cinema and art. These are the classics, the stories that stay with us for generations to come, that go above and beyond what we expected. These might not all be artsy films but they have left their mark on cinema history or if there more recent films they left a very big impression on me. 

A: this is for everything in between the two A’s.   These are all fantastic pieces of high cinematic art but just not quite the legendary status of A+  they pushed boundaries and challenged ideas but they just missed being part of the 100 best films of all time.

A- : These are great movies but they are mostly just flash and eye candy there might be some deeper aspects to these films but that’s not really the point of them.  The point of these movies is to entertain and make the audience leave the theater with a smile.

B+: these are the best of the best when it comes to genera and cult films.  Usually the budget is a little lower than an A movie and for certain critics some of the themes and dialogue may be considered silly or not mainstream enough but they are well loved and well written making them more then worth the time of anyone who loves film.

B: these movies are the middle ground love em or hate em kind of movies.  Most of these films are pretty good but usually are missing at least one major thing to keep them from bumping up higher on the list.  These movies are usually still absolutely worth your time if you’re a lover of genre film but if you’re just a casual viewer these are easily skippable in favor of higher grade movies.

B-: These are movies are the movies that fit in the so bad their good category.  These movies are stupid no one can argue that, but in that stupidity there is an element of immense entertainment as one can’t help but point out all the silliness with the movie and laugh at the cheap special effects, much like Mystery Science Theater 3000.

C+: these are movies that may or may not be bad but they simply weren’t my cup of tea and I did not enjoy them. There production value is usually fine and if you like this kind of thing you might want to check it out but I had issues with it and can’t honestly give it a high rating.

C: I hated this movie with a passion but there may be people who think these kind of movies were worth seeing. I don’t really understand who would want to defend these films but those that do need to have their heads examined. Let’s just say that no one should waste their time with drivel like this.

C-: These are all those terrible made for TV/direct to video movies that companies like                        sfy channel and Asylum produce en mass and always end up being terrible and boring.  there usually  cheap trite trash with awful cgi that might be entertaining for a laugh or two but get old quickly.

Z:  these films are so bad that we have to skip all the way to the end of the alphabet to get there.  There is absolutely nothing redeeming about these movies and everyone involved in their production should be so ashamed of releasing this monstrosity on mankind that they change their names and remove themselves as far as they possibly can from humanity.  These are usually zero budget films that actually make you debate about the benefits of scooping your own eyeballs out with a soup spoon.

How not to be a jerk when going to a Haunted House.

The Halloween season is upon us and many of you are going to be partaking in all the wonderful fall festivities that come only once a year,  Pumpkin everything,  Trick or Treating,  Candy, lots and lots of candy, and of course Haunted Houses. But in my experience as a haunted house actor, I have found that many guests fail to understand that entering into a haunted house is not a license to do whatever you want.  Just like anywhere else you go, there is proper edict and social expectations when entering a haunted house so that both you and the actors can all have a good and safe time.   Below are some of the most common issues haunt workers face every season and how you can avoid ruining the night for others.

1 .)    Don’t hurt the Actors

Imagine your working at MacDonald’s and as soon as you ask “would you like fries with that?”  Someone reached over the counter and punched you in the face, you probably wouldn’t be too happy about that. No one wants to get beat up for just doing their job and the actors in a haunted attraction are no different. If you cannot control your flight or fight instinct STAY HOME! For everyone’s sake, but if you must go and you’re uncertain about how much you can control yourself try keeping your hands in your pockets to delay any possible violent reaction you may have to a zombie popping up behind a tombstone.

 2 .)    Keep Moving

Unless you’re specifically told not to, or it’s painfully obvious that you shouldn’t, keep moving.   You’re not the only one who wants to enjoy the attraction so be respectful to those behind you. It's fine to move at an even pace, we want you to enjoy the house not have to rush through it, but don’t stop to analyze the wood grain or tell your life story to the actors. The general rule is that your feet should never stop moving unless an actor prevents you from continuing.

3 .)     When it’s ok to Disregard rule 2

If the actor gives you a very specific instruction that does not compromise your safety or comfort then there’s a high probability that it’s ok to do what they asked you to do. If a ghost in a haunted hotel asks you to come to the front desk they probably want you to actually come to the front desk and it is alright to discard rule# 2.  Now if the evil hobo tells you to stop and take off your clothes then that is a direct violation of your personal space and comfort zone so it’s safe to ignore them. It’s usually not hard to figure out what you’re supposed to do, use the brain God gave you. This rule also applies to actors who block your path, please do not try to go around the actor, they are standing there for a reason when it’s time for you to continue they will step out of the way or give you some sort of verbal cue that you can pass.

3A.) When walking through a "scare zone" or waiting in line to enter a house, provided the line is not moving, you are free to take more time and enjoy the show. " Scare Zones" are typically open areas that do not contain any clear boundaries as guests are free to come and go as they please from these areas without waiting in any kind of line. Actors in these areas often will be more willing to play by dialoguing with guests or performing longer more involved skits. please keep in mind this is not an invitation to loiter in the attraction, enjoy the show then move on. Word of caution about "Scare Zones", if the monster happens to chase you out of the zone and  into the backwoods where there are no witnesses then I would pick up the pace, because that's not an actor.

4.)    Put your cell phones away.

Put all your electronic devices away. Just like when you go to the theater it is considered rude to talk on your phone while enjoying the entertainment and illegal to film without express permission.  I mean come on people these guys feed their kids based on how many guests they can get to go through their attraction in less than two months, when you put the whole thing online before the end of the season your hurting their sales at least wait a year before putting up your video and don’t be a baby if someone makes you take it down. not to mention there's nothing more annoying than that one person who just won't wait to take that unnecessary phone call while you're trying to enjoy the attraction. 

5.)    Have fun talking to the actors.

You may speak to the actors but do not expect them to always speak back.  Every actor is different some are willing to partake in witty banter while others will simply snarl or stare depending on their character.  If an actor does talk to you feel free to try and ask them creative questions about their character or attraction but do not try to talk over them or waste time by acting like a four-year-old demanding they answer you in the way that you want.

6.)    You are not as clever or as brave as you think you are.

  Any stupid joke, phrase, question or action you think makes you a completely special and original snowflake has already been done by 10 people before you. So when you feel the urge to start dancing in the middle of the cornfield or point out a monster that is obviously hiding in plain sight please do all of us a favor and curb those instincts. It’s rude and disrespectful if you want to be a jerk stay home, besides it just makes you look like an idiot and I guarantee your actions will be more embarrassing for you than for the actor.

7.)    Do not harass anyone.

Unless you sign a waiver giving actors permission to abuse you , Making lewd and sexual comments towards any actor or guest inside a Haunted House is considered a form of sexual harassment and if the actor or guest so chooses they can bring charges against you. Purposeful violence against actors or guests is also considered harassment so just remember if you shouldn’t do it at Wal-Mart you shouldn’t do it here either.

8.)    Throw away your garbage

Please put your trash in specified containers. The Haunt workers arrive much earlier and stay far later then you will, and when we have to pick up your trash that simply makes our night that much longer.  Be a pal and don’t leave your half eaten pretzels just lying on the ground that’s just gross.

Just in case any of you are visual learners this is a trash can

 this is not a trash can,

these are not trash cans

and this is certainly not a trash can.

9.)    If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

 Do not tell the actors that they or their attraction is “lame” or “not scary”, even if it’s true the actors can only do so much to change the experience of the house, besides it’s a rude thing to say and makes the actors want to punt your head all the way down the midway. 

10.)  The Actor is acting, let them do their job.

   Do not try and get the actor to break character, you paid for the illusion let them do their thing.  But just in case this doesn’t sink in I’m going to give you the top 5 questions most people will ask.

1.       Is this scary? / Are you/is that real? :   let’s be honest, most people only ask these questions to make themselves look cool, the actual truth is when you ask these questions you look like a doofus.  You know it’s’ supposed to be scary,  that’s what you paid for, and you also know that none of the props are “ real” in the sense that no one is  going to take and actual chainsaw and cut off your arm with it.   So asking this is like asking are there animals at a zoo?  You’re better off just keeping your mouth shut.

2.       Where is area X located? : It’s called find a map, and figure it out for yourself.  However, if you really need help most actors will do their best to point you in the right direction but there are plenty of none-actor employees that you can go to for help instead of bothering the actor. The information desk can probably give you better directions then the killer clown anyway.

3.       How much do you get paid?  Most haunts can get paid anywhere between $8.00 -$20.00 hr depending on the talent, experience, and employer of the actor. The average, however, tends to be around $8.25 or $9.00 for regular haunters and $13.00-$14.00 for street talent. We also get to go through the pockets of dead guests for loose change.

4.       How do I get a job here? Ok, stay with me here, this is going to really complicated, you go online, with me so far? You find the attractions website and fill out an application.  If the attraction has no online application then you find the number and arrange a meeting to apply in person.  Whew! I hope you took notes, I know, I know, its crazy right? I mean who would think of such a crazy way to get a job.

5.       Can I take your picture? This is actually a perfectly appropriate question to ask when outside a house.  If you want pictures with street talent many of them are more than willing to take pictures with you, but if you’re actually moving through a house then the answer is always NO!

                                                                                                                                                                  

11.)  Keep your hands to yourself

Finally, in the name of all that is good and holy DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!! This goes for actors, props, scenery, anything! Unless you are specifically told that it is ok, keep your grubby little mitts to yourself. This stuff costs a lot of money and when guests break pieces of the set because they have no impulse control it’s a headache for everyone.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen who think it's ok or even funny to destroy or steal pieces of haunt sets, it’s not ok and it’s certainly not funny don’t do it!

But remember the most important thing to do at a Haunt is to have fun!  Haunts are only as fun as you let them be.  You paid to get scared and have a good time so let go of your more cynical nature and just enjoy the experience.  Stop looking for all things that are fake about the attraction , no one doubts that you are smart enough to know this is all fake or that you are brave enough to stand up to people in rubber masks. Go with a group of friends, take a date, get a good conversation going with one of the monsters, whatever it takes to make you stop rolling your eyes and just let yourself be caught up in the illusion.  Even bad haunts can be fun if you go in with the right attitude, so don’t be a grouchy sour puss but instead just go in with the intent to have a good time and you just might enjoy yourself.

Jurassic World *review*

Jurassic World: When Dinosaurs

 Ruled the Box Office

  Going to see Jurassic World I went for one thing and one thing only, Dinosaurs. Jurassic World not only meets this expectation but actually manages to slightly exceed it.

  

  Jurassic World focuses on two pairs of leads the first are Gray and his older brother Zach, played by Ty Simpkins and Nick Robinson, while the second set of leads are employees of the park Claire, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who manages the entire park and is too busy to spend time with her nephews or even pursue a relationship with her costar Chris Pratt who plays Owen.  The boys are shipped off to Jurassic World to spend the week with their aunt Clare who is busy getting Jurassic Worlds newest attraction off the ground, the terrible Indominus Rex. The boys go off to have fun by themselves but, even though they really should have seen it coming, terror soon strikes as the unthinkable occurs the Indominus Rex escapes its enclosure and begins wreaking havoc all over the island the boys, Clare,and Owen must all fight for their very survival before they all become the Indominus Rex’s next meal.

Jurassic World is escapism entertainment done right, there’s just enough character, action, and philosophy to keep the movie from being yet another box office disappointment while not forcing the audience to confront anything too difficult so as to keep the sense of adventure and fun alive and well.  The film is incredibly well paced and while there might not be much to the characters they were all fun and easy to get into. I also found while some of the acting and character personalities were very over the top they were all still believable to me even if they weren’t memorable.  Ok, so the kids might not have been anything to brag about but they served there purpose and gave us a sense of actual danger when they are confronted with the terrifying Indominus Rex while also serving as our tour guides through the park.

But the real stars of this film are of course the dinosaurs and Jurassic World delivers them in spades.  Jurassic Park CGI has never looked better there were many times I felt as if I were looking at real dinosaurs.  Of course there were several times when the CGI dipped a little which were mostly in certain close up shots but on average the dino’s looked fantastic.  However I was disappointed by the lack of practical effects; Jurassic park has always been one of the cinematic leaders of mixing practical effects with CGI and I can’t help feel that doing away with pretty much all your practical effects like taking a little piece of the Jurassic Park soul and just discarding it into the wastebasket.   Still the up side of CGI is that the dino’s were much more expressive taking on a true personality of their own adding to the enjoyment of the film.   However if you went in expecting to see a return to the serious and powerful commentary of man’s arrogance then you’re going to be sorely disappointed and just a little naïve. 

What needs to be understood is that Jurassic Park was its own unique and separate piece of art that

was never meant to and really can’t be duplicated in a franchise model.   This was a story that we only needed to tell once but since no studio is happy with a one shot we tried to pull out more from a dried well and we got to terrible sequels then Jurassic World came along and filled the well up just enough to make it relevant again because no matter how you spin it Jurassic World is the best JP sequel to date.

This is because Jurassic World does not promise anything it does not deliver in fact it delivered more than I expected.  More than any other blockbuster movie so far this summer Jurassic World truly attempted to give the audience the most well rounded experience they could, especially considering this movie is Jurassic park 4, and while it wasn’t as deep as the original it certainly wasn’t as shallow as the previous sequels.  The entire concept of Indominus Rex is very thought provoking and isn’t just pushed out of the way, the film does take some time to talk about how modern society is easily bored and how we have an insatiable lust for bigger, better and more exciting, we are so jaded that while wonders unfold before our eyes everyday we can’t even be bothered to look up from our Smartphone’s.  There’s also the fact that Jurassic Worlds plot is built off of the premise of Westworld’s concept of marketing versus safety which is enough to show that it requires more thought and demonstrates more class then many of summer blockbusters of late.

Jurassic world is a return to the old escapism entertainment of the 80’s and early 90’s when people still believed we could learn from our mistakes and create a  better future, when we still believed in the wonder of creation and the importance of family.    We are currently living in an age of anxiety and indifference and in such an age there has never been a greater need for simple escapism entertainment that lets us have these grand adventures from the safety of our theater seat and for just a little while leave our troubles at the door.  Besides this movie is all about dinosaurs and dinosaurs make everything awesome.

Spoiler corner:

.  Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs! Did I mention Dinosaurs!

. dino..oh, never mind,  it’s just a crappy CGI bird.

.  I guess they have to fill the annoying child quota that all Jurassic Park movies seem to have. Ok, I actually like Lex and Tim in the first one but everything after that…

.I probably had almost all those dinosaur toys as a kid.

.I really like that were spending a lot of time getting a good feel for the park and not just making this a simple monster on the loose story.

. So wait, let me get this straight, you’re mad at your sister because she has to work and can’t spend every moment with the kids you dumped on her because you’re trying to keep your divorce a secret? Dang lady no wonder you’re having marital issues.

. lol Jimmy Fallon

. so that Bubble Ride that’s designed to keep you safe no matter what starts cracking at the first swing of that ankylosaurus tail? Bit of a fatal design flaw if you ask me.

. I like all the nods to Jurassic park but why on earth did they keep the compound intact with all that equipment inside.

. Yikes! Don’t they feed these dinosaurs?  Those petradons are acting like they have been driven insane with hunger.

. OH! Shot down!... you know If there was any real critique I have of the film it’s that there were a lot of weird awkward jokes that at many times while funny seemed forced and upset the flow of the otherwise exciting narrative we were trying to tell.

.  T-Rex, Raptors, dino fights!  This is the absolute best!  The only thing that could make this better is if the Spinosaurus showed up * looks around* *sigh* … ok I’ll take mosasaurus as an acceptable replacement.