The biggest observations of the 2015 Oscars (because I'm too slow for twitter and the post is too long for Facebook)

The Oscars are a  powerful time of reflection and honor of those brave men and woman who push the boundaries of what we can imagine and challenge us all to be better people.  This is what I would say if Hollywood had paid me, but since I don't see a check for $30,000 in my hand I prefer to have more fun in furiously poking at the Oscars for the liberal, ego stroking, popularity pandering monkey show it is. Ok maybe that was a bit harsh i'll only lightly poke it. So  with out further Audi here are my 2015 Oscar observations since it would be to long to put in a Facebook post.

• Neil Patrick always has the best opening numbers.  Probably has something to do with being a musician and actually being funny, most of the time anyway.

• Glad J.K Simmons won something that guy is great. 

• I don’t believe there real predictions right now, so a locked box? Not really that impressive.

• Neil Patrick Harris nipples look like they could poke someone’s eye out.  I wonder if there registered as deadly weapons.

• Making balls joke after someone talk about their son committing suicide? Really classy there Harris.

• So seat fillers are a thing?  What? Are they afraid that when J.K Simmons goes up to accept his award that Jim Carry is going to steal his seat and not give it back?

• No one should EVER do a live stage presentation of Everything Is Awesome again.That acid trippy Disney on ice from hell production will never get out of my head.

• Jared Leto needs a haircut that or he’s auditioning for the next Jesus movie.

• Wait don’t woman have equal rights? When did I time warp back to the 1900’s

• Because they subbed it in best picture installer has to get best visual even though Dawn of the Planet of the Apes visuals were much more impressive.

• So little applause or X-men? Hollywood is full of mutant haters! I bet they have Sentinels outside that building just waiting to open fire on the first three fingered kid that walks in.

• Disney can win academy awards simply because it’s Disney.  Not surprising King Mickey is a powerful force to be reckoned with and already has cut a bloody swath through the media industry forcing all to convert to his company or be destroyed.

• Every time the camera lands on Eddie Murphy he always looks like he just woke up from a nap and doesn't know what’s going on.

• About 2 hours in I realized I was completely bored with the Oscars which was bad because its right before we go through all the dead people and now I kind of feel like a terrible person.

• Joan Rivers was skipped when they went through the recently deceased, whoops! But then it’s not like she was Robin Williams or anything so her legacy isn’t that important.

• John Travolta needs to learn how to Stop flirting with his co host and just open the dang envelope.  

• Wow, really going to try comparing slavery and civil rights to how people are treated today?  Because Im must have missed the shackled slaves at the cotton plantations and the signs in front of olive garden that say “whites only”.

• Mass Incarceration Hooray!  Everyone applaud …oh wait are we not supposed to clap for that?

• Somebody must have told gaga there was a dress code for the Oscars.

• Eddie Murphy sounds like he's  tried and just  wants to go home.  He’s probably cursing the heavens for agreeing to do both SNL 4oth and the Oscars right about now. 

• That’s two  people who have brought  up suicide at the Oscars. I hope this doesn’t start becoming a popular topic when accepting awards.

• “There are no rules to film making just sins and the biggest is dullness.”  Well the Oscars certainly missed that memo.

• Thank you for sharing about what kind of underwear you have on and how it smells like balls. Gosh I miss the days when you could just use a hook cane and drag people off stage.

• Gahhh! Cate Blanchett looks like some kind of werewolf elf hybrid. It’s like she came straight out of middle earth.

• Random rocky theme of Matthew Mcconaughey, sure why not makes a much sense as anything else that happens at the Oscars.

• Eddie Murphy  perks up as soon as he realizes the Oscars are almost over

• I pretty sure Patrick is the only one that cares about his Oscar predictions at this point.

• Shawn Penn looks a mess like he’s been doing a few lines in the back.  Wonder if he brought enough for everyone.

• I was sure American sniper was going to get best picture but birdman makes sense since it’s all about acting and what not.

• Mexicans make the best movies! That is all.

• But the most important thing I took away from the Oscars this evening, yes even more important then best picture, was Rifftrax’s live tweet of the Oscars introducing me to Whiplash the cowboy monkey.

Jupiter Ascending: The Best Worst Movie of 2015 *review*

Directors & Writers:   Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski

Cast:

Mila Kunis:Jupitar

Channing Tatum: Caine Wise

Sean Bean: Stinger Apini

Eddie Redmayne: Balem Abrasax

Jupiter Ascending: 

The Best Worst Movie of 2015

Being of the opinion that the only good film the Wachowski’s have ever made was the matrix I was interested in what kind of spectacle Jupiter Ascending would make of itself and it certainly made quite the spectacle.  Let’s establish this right off the bat, Jupiter Ascending is a terrible movie there is no getting around that one. However in the same breath what Jupiter Ascending did do was create a wildly entertaining, if not horribly flawed, canter through the space adventure genera.   

  Jupiter Ascending starts with a young astronomer falling in love with a young woman; the two eventually marry and produce a child to which the father insists on naming Jupiter. However when tragedy strikes the mother must raise the girl alone thus we enter into Jupiter’s story; a 20 something year old girl, played by Mila Kunis,  whose  life has culminated to nothing more than a chamber maid for a cheap hotel.  However one day an alien wolf man hybrid named Caine Wise, played by Channing Tatum, shows up to explain that Jupiter is in fact the reincarnation of the queen of space, I swear I’m not making this stuff up, and is now the target of several evil space tycoons who do not want her to reclaim her rightful lands and titles.   Jupiter must fight through invisible aliens, dragon-men and the universes wealthiest and most powerful family dynasty in order to save herself and the planet she loves.

I am a big defender of over the top story telling, I love crazy stuff and usually the crazier the better.  But if that craziness is not met with an equal respect of storytelling it all falls apart devolving into pure insanity and stupidity.  This is what happens with Jupiter Ascending, the premise is solid but the delivery is incredibly poor, there are so many plot holes in the script that it make Swiss Cheese look whole. But plot holes are the least concerning strike against Jupiter’s Ascending  the core of the story’s problem  is that quite simply  there is zero emotional connection to the characters of the story, in fact Jupiter Ascending’s  cast  are hardly characters at all but  more like walking tropes.  The closest person to really get a strong sense of personality is Jupiter herself but just barely.   Most of the time the characters are either to busy shooting something or going through space politics including, and I’m not lying, the space equivalent of the DMV.   

What Jupiter Ascending gets right though is its willingness to make bold choices that might not go over well with every audience member and its eye pleasing visuals.   Much the same as with Guardians of the Galaxy Jupiter attempts to bring its audience into a larger universe and the desire to make vivid worlds and some crazy alien characters is to be commended. The visuals of Jupiter Ascending are truly the highlight and saving grace of the film.  Every city, spaceship and alien has its own unique design and purpose with of all them dramatically displayed.  I think the battle over Manhattan is been one of the best spaceship battles in a very long time.   The action was easy to see and follow with very little shaky cameras or blurred corner of the eye explosions.

Jupiter Ascending's heart is in the right place with a genuine desire to create its own space myths but  the Wachowski’s  simply do not have the talent for  compelling narrative and once again fall back on their only strength and that’s visuals.   But if you want a cliche ridden ride of crazy B movie fun then Jupiter Ascending really does deliver it may not be good but its better than most of the terrible films that come out plus it had dragon-men!  And you just can’t go wrong with dragon-men.

Observation Corner *spoilers*

·        The bees can detect royalty?   The Wachowski’s must have been on some trip to come up with an idea that stupid.

·         Did I mention how awesome the dragon-men were? Well they were and I want action figures of these guys pronto.

·         How come only these human guys can mine planets? There are no other aliens that thought to get in on the immortality mining business? Seems a pretty big stretch to me but that bring me to my next point

·         How in the seven galaxies did these douche bags conquer the universe?  They don’t seem all that tough; they just seem to have a lot of space money.  So then I guess there like a space Mafia?  Again why are they the only ones with power?

·         Bwhahahaha, that elephant man, you guys see that right? I’m not hallucinating?  Ok they kind of earn some points for something that looks that ridicules.

·         Wow she’s easy to take advantage of not to mention
Bad guy:  do what I say
Jupiter: Never!
Bad guy: do it or else I’ll say something threatening.
Jupiter:  Ok
Glad the fate of earth doesn't rest on her shoulders ….oh wait.

·         So she’s basically saying screw the other worlds as long as earth is safe, great heroine there.

·         Wow, just wow, I can accept a lot thing but the Wings on Caine? So he’s a sexy wolf hybrid with angel wings, that’s so YA novel that it hurts, I can’t believe that they actually did that.   You lose points for that one movie.