Jupiter Ascending: The Best Worst Movie of 2015 *review*

Directors & Writers:   Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski

Cast:

Mila Kunis:Jupitar

Channing Tatum: Caine Wise

Sean Bean: Stinger Apini

Eddie Redmayne: Balem Abrasax

Jupiter Ascending: 

The Best Worst Movie of 2015

Being of the opinion that the only good film the Wachowski’s have ever made was the matrix I was interested in what kind of spectacle Jupiter Ascending would make of itself and it certainly made quite the spectacle.  Let’s establish this right off the bat, Jupiter Ascending is a terrible movie there is no getting around that one. However in the same breath what Jupiter Ascending did do was create a wildly entertaining, if not horribly flawed, canter through the space adventure genera.   

  Jupiter Ascending starts with a young astronomer falling in love with a young woman; the two eventually marry and produce a child to which the father insists on naming Jupiter. However when tragedy strikes the mother must raise the girl alone thus we enter into Jupiter’s story; a 20 something year old girl, played by Mila Kunis,  whose  life has culminated to nothing more than a chamber maid for a cheap hotel.  However one day an alien wolf man hybrid named Caine Wise, played by Channing Tatum, shows up to explain that Jupiter is in fact the reincarnation of the queen of space, I swear I’m not making this stuff up, and is now the target of several evil space tycoons who do not want her to reclaim her rightful lands and titles.   Jupiter must fight through invisible aliens, dragon-men and the universes wealthiest and most powerful family dynasty in order to save herself and the planet she loves.

I am a big defender of over the top story telling, I love crazy stuff and usually the crazier the better.  But if that craziness is not met with an equal respect of storytelling it all falls apart devolving into pure insanity and stupidity.  This is what happens with Jupiter Ascending, the premise is solid but the delivery is incredibly poor, there are so many plot holes in the script that it make Swiss Cheese look whole. But plot holes are the least concerning strike against Jupiter’s Ascending  the core of the story’s problem  is that quite simply  there is zero emotional connection to the characters of the story, in fact Jupiter Ascending’s  cast  are hardly characters at all but  more like walking tropes.  The closest person to really get a strong sense of personality is Jupiter herself but just barely.   Most of the time the characters are either to busy shooting something or going through space politics including, and I’m not lying, the space equivalent of the DMV.   

What Jupiter Ascending gets right though is its willingness to make bold choices that might not go over well with every audience member and its eye pleasing visuals.   Much the same as with Guardians of the Galaxy Jupiter attempts to bring its audience into a larger universe and the desire to make vivid worlds and some crazy alien characters is to be commended. The visuals of Jupiter Ascending are truly the highlight and saving grace of the film.  Every city, spaceship and alien has its own unique design and purpose with of all them dramatically displayed.  I think the battle over Manhattan is been one of the best spaceship battles in a very long time.   The action was easy to see and follow with very little shaky cameras or blurred corner of the eye explosions.

Jupiter Ascending's heart is in the right place with a genuine desire to create its own space myths but  the Wachowski’s  simply do not have the talent for  compelling narrative and once again fall back on their only strength and that’s visuals.   But if you want a cliche ridden ride of crazy B movie fun then Jupiter Ascending really does deliver it may not be good but its better than most of the terrible films that come out plus it had dragon-men!  And you just can’t go wrong with dragon-men.

Observation Corner *spoilers*

·        The bees can detect royalty?   The Wachowski’s must have been on some trip to come up with an idea that stupid.

·         Did I mention how awesome the dragon-men were? Well they were and I want action figures of these guys pronto.

·         How come only these human guys can mine planets? There are no other aliens that thought to get in on the immortality mining business? Seems a pretty big stretch to me but that bring me to my next point

·         How in the seven galaxies did these douche bags conquer the universe?  They don’t seem all that tough; they just seem to have a lot of space money.  So then I guess there like a space Mafia?  Again why are they the only ones with power?

·         Bwhahahaha, that elephant man, you guys see that right? I’m not hallucinating?  Ok they kind of earn some points for something that looks that ridicules.

·         Wow she’s easy to take advantage of not to mention
Bad guy:  do what I say
Jupiter: Never!
Bad guy: do it or else I’ll say something threatening.
Jupiter:  Ok
Glad the fate of earth doesn't rest on her shoulders ….oh wait.

·         So she’s basically saying screw the other worlds as long as earth is safe, great heroine there.

·         Wow, just wow, I can accept a lot thing but the Wings on Caine? So he’s a sexy wolf hybrid with angel wings, that’s so YA novel that it hurts, I can’t believe that they actually did that.   You lose points for that one movie.